I lied. I lied completely.
Because, in all honesty, I want to be selfish. I want to make everything work in my favor. And, terrifyingly enough, I’m willing to pull a Machiavellian “by any means necessary” plan and sell my plasma, or a kidney, or some obscure body part just to make all my childishly idealistic plans possible. I want to be able to help pay for everything, I really do. It’s my pride and loyalty intertwined with my absolute need for independence that’s making me want, nay, need to pay for everything, from my car and insurances to the mortgage on the house. It’s my downfall that wishful thinking and idealism just happen to get in the way of everything and make me believe that the research trip of a lifetime to the Philippines, however short of a trip it is, is possible in the midst of all this.
In all reality, I want to stop this train. I want to remain young, slightly foolish, and altogether risky, and I want to say screw it all, I’m incurring credit card debt and quite possibly personal debt to fund this trip. I’m only good at being young, albeit because it’s all I know how to do. There’s a huge part of me that resents being forced to grow up too fast all because I was born too late in life, that wants to remind everyone else that I am still young and should hold on to it for as long as I can. Just because you’re forgetting what youthful enthusiasm is like in the midst of your “grown up” world and problems doesn’t mean I should be forced to do the same. But what’s most upsetting is that you’re still in denial that I am passionate about what I do, and that I can imagine myself doing it for a long time, until my knees give out, but that it was never a part of your original plan (or mine, for that matter).
Who cares if things were never a part of the original plan?! The road in front of you will always change, and you may take some wrong turns along the way, but if you lost the map or it got shred to bits by some bears you met along the way, then eff it all, go off intuition and go where your heart takes you, because if you don’t know where you’re going, you might as well have fun and go through some self-discovery in the process.
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Hi Ate,
ReplyDeleteI probably should've commented on this ages ago. It kind of woke me up a little, since I realized I really want to be a bigger part of your life than I am right now.
Anyway, I just wanted to say this. There's never going to be a way to please everyone. And if you're a young woman with big dreams, it's probably going to be impossible to do everything you want to do too. Sometimes, it's difficult enough to make yourself happy, let alone others. But even though it might get hard, even though it might feel impossible to achieve, always give everything you have to fulfill your dreams. Seize what you wish for with your own hands, to live the life you always wanted to live. Things may not always work out. You may fall. But only the people who stand back up and keep dreaming will ever get the true happiness they yearned for in their heart. You may not achieve everything you wanted, but don't let that ever stop you from believing in yourself. Don't ever stop trying to be happy.
I am forever your supporter, and know I will always do what I can to help. It's your life, but you're not alone.
Your young ading,
Bryce