After Graduation: The Commencement Mixtape

It’s almost 9 pm on a Monday summer night, and I’m sitting in an almost empty apartment, catching the last rays of afternoon light filtered through the twilight’s transient uncertainty, with my “Move Along” playlist on repeat, trying to sort through everything running through my mind.

Earlier, I went running, in a desperate attempt to run away from everything. I refused to walk parts of it, if only because I felt like the minute I did walk, everything I was trying to run away from would catch up to me. And so, I kept running, until the blood pounding in my head drowned out any whispers that refused to be unheard.

They tell you life gets better after graduation, but they never tell you how confusing it really is, because I don’t think anything ever quite prepares you for the real world, whether you have a secure internship, a real job, or are desperately seeking employment directly after taking that 30 second yet eternal walk across the stage. So many people have their own opinions of what I “should” be or “could” be doing. Is it so wrong to want to be a semi-bohemian, pseudo-New Age hippie and say I just want to keep working for a non-profit for a year with the community that I for sure will relate to and sympathize with the most while I slowly but surely inch towards earning a post-bachelor’s degree?! I don’t want to work for a soul-sucking corporate job or even a federal job yet. I want to stay as young and optimistic as possible about my future before I start on the real daily grind. But how can I possibly be that selfish knowing that my dad needs to retire and my mom is continually worried about bills and payments? They say I don’t need to work yet and are continually checking in to make sure they’re not forcing me into this, but we all know this is a “do what you gotta do” scenario, and with everyone else from the family/tribal elders and my younger nieces to my agency supervisor asking what I’m planning on doing with my life now that I’ve already earned two degrees before I’m even 21, I need to come up with a definite plan. And fast.

February 13, aka Friday the 13th. I always knew the 13th was a monumental day each month of this past year, in both good and bad ways, but I think February’s just topped it all, especially because it was the day before Valentine’s Day. You’d think I’d be over it, but too bad my tendency to hold on to past hurts and the fact that I still see him all the time make for a bad combination. I’m still haunted by the memories, though I desperately tried to fade them all out. I offered genuine forgiveness for Lent and I honestly did forgive him, but I’m not sure I ever forgave myself and let the guilt and uncertainty of that night go. And I know that one night, which stemmed from that one month of naïve cluelessness, added on to a lifetime of trust issues that I know won’t be resolved for a long while. But maybe all this guilt and anti-trust will help me focus on my goals and strengthen my resolve in my independence. At least, I’m hoping for it, otherwise I really will be going through all this for nothing. Now, I’m just praying for a miracle, and hoping that he realizes that his family is everything, and that he tells me that he’s finally over it. But I still feel like I’m asking for too much when I ask for something that should be so simple.

Then there’s the one thing keeping me sane through all this, the pamilya that takes me away from reality for a couple hours a time. What happens when something that you do “for the love of it” becomes one of the biggest sources of stress? You know it’s a bad sign when even I get fed up with certain things, even if these things are the bureaucratic political side, which I hate in any aspect of things. We’re talking about the people that have never even seen me truly angry. Thank goodness for lazy Sunday afternoon vent sessions at HQ to renew my faith and uplift my spirits, with some of my favorite sisters and “sisters.”

“When all you’ve got to keep is strong, move along like I know you do. Even when your hope is gone, move along just to make it through.”