The last week or so has been pretty insane. Actually, scratch that, the last 24 hours have been pretty insane. Tell me how a girl is gonna go between 4 cities and 3 residences along that time, hitting up a new car and a major performance in the process?! Um, yeah. Anyway, on to the highlight story.
It’s Monday afternoon as I write this, a full 24 hours after our final performance at the 31st SF Ethnic Dance Festival, and I’m still riding that “Ethnic high.” Ever since February, when we first found out we were honored enough to be among those who earned a coveted spot in such a prestigious event, and even ever since last fall when we were preparing for our audition, I always wondered what this weekend would bring. I remember waking up on Saturday morning to a text saying, “This is the day He has made. Let us rejoice and be glad.” Followed, of course, by an “O di va?” And I realized, it was finally here. Thank goodness! All that prep work, stress, worry, and practice would soon pay off. And it did.
Looking back, I now wish I could relive this weekend. In my mind, the high of walking off the stage and being able to high five everyone, and/or say “I think I just had a hard on” in reference to how we were able to put our hearts and souls on that stage in such a cohesive manner .. that feeling will live on in my mind, and it’s gonna be pretty hard to top it, in my opinion. I know that months from now, or hopefully even years from now, when I’m going through a stressful moment in my personal dance journey, I’ll go back to this feeling and draw from it as a source of strength, to remind myself that I started and continue to do this for the pure love of it.
The most amazing part of partaking in this particular festival was the fact that all these cultures were able to come together, educate each other and the community about their own, in such a beautiful and poetic way. One world, one collective spirit, all came together on one stage in one festival. The unity that spoke behind it all was mos def inspirational and reminds me that the best part of doing all this is getting to share my knowledge and passion with others.
However, the best part of this journey was, undoubtedly, the people that I was honored to share it with. From those times we were ready to shoot each other, to the times we were so frustrated we were just ready to give up, to those times we would send messages so corny they were endearing in an effort to encourage each other, I still will hold on to them. The trials made us stronger, the constructive criticism made us better, and the small moments drew us together, and I think we definitely defined the word Pamilya in this whole process. My energy has been renewed, my spirit has been uplifted, and I now know we can take on anything that comes at us.
Next stop: Las Vegas! That’s right, be excited.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Repost: www.datingish.com
This might not be relevant to most of the people who read my blog. But it might be relevant to a few. Or maybe to a lot more than I think. But this is a letter that needs to be written, and needs to be acknowledged.
Ladies:
I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like my world is complete. I know what it's like to feel like that person could do anything, and you would still be right there waiting. I have waited, and waited, and waited for my man to do right by me. I have had two children, I have cried tears that are STILL not dry in my heart. I have put up with more than I should have, and I have given them permission to take some of my power away from me for the rest of my life. And why? What did they do, what did they have that GAVE them that right? Who put them in a position to come into my life, tear me down, ruin me, hurt me, scar me? No one. No one but me. So I say this with complete love and understanding:
If you're in a relationship with a man, or trying to jam a relationship into place when you know that it doesn't exist, please STOP. Don't do that to yourself. If you have children, don't do that to them. You deserve better. God did not create us for a life of misery and hurt. He did not make us to be used by others, to be treated like garbage. We are precious and strong, and deserve to ACT and be treated that way.
Life is not built on principles. Yes, it's nice to do the right thing, to stick up for your values. But if you're doing something, putting up with something, accepting something just on principle, PLEASE be sure that it is the right choice. Don't put yourself in the position to be torn down any longer. If you know that you cannot rely on the man you have in your life, then don't rely on him.
Imagine all of that hurt, anger, bitterness, pain, and anxiety as a backpack and set it down. Don't hold on to it.
Ladies:
I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like my world is complete. I know what it's like to feel like that person could do anything, and you would still be right there waiting. I have waited, and waited, and waited for my man to do right by me. I have had two children, I have cried tears that are STILL not dry in my heart. I have put up with more than I should have, and I have given them permission to take some of my power away from me for the rest of my life. And why? What did they do, what did they have that GAVE them that right? Who put them in a position to come into my life, tear me down, ruin me, hurt me, scar me? No one. No one but me. So I say this with complete love and understanding:
If you're in a relationship with a man, or trying to jam a relationship into place when you know that it doesn't exist, please STOP. Don't do that to yourself. If you have children, don't do that to them. You deserve better. God did not create us for a life of misery and hurt. He did not make us to be used by others, to be treated like garbage. We are precious and strong, and deserve to ACT and be treated that way.
Life is not built on principles. Yes, it's nice to do the right thing, to stick up for your values. But if you're doing something, putting up with something, accepting something just on principle, PLEASE be sure that it is the right choice. Don't put yourself in the position to be torn down any longer. If you know that you cannot rely on the man you have in your life, then don't rely on him.
Imagine all of that hurt, anger, bitterness, pain, and anxiety as a backpack and set it down. Don't hold on to it.
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
I lied. I lied completely.
Because, in all honesty, I want to be selfish. I want to make everything work in my favor. And, terrifyingly enough, I’m willing to pull a Machiavellian “by any means necessary” plan and sell my plasma, or a kidney, or some obscure body part just to make all my childishly idealistic plans possible. I want to be able to help pay for everything, I really do. It’s my pride and loyalty intertwined with my absolute need for independence that’s making me want, nay, need to pay for everything, from my car and insurances to the mortgage on the house. It’s my downfall that wishful thinking and idealism just happen to get in the way of everything and make me believe that the research trip of a lifetime to the Philippines, however short of a trip it is, is possible in the midst of all this.
In all reality, I want to stop this train. I want to remain young, slightly foolish, and altogether risky, and I want to say screw it all, I’m incurring credit card debt and quite possibly personal debt to fund this trip. I’m only good at being young, albeit because it’s all I know how to do. There’s a huge part of me that resents being forced to grow up too fast all because I was born too late in life, that wants to remind everyone else that I am still young and should hold on to it for as long as I can. Just because you’re forgetting what youthful enthusiasm is like in the midst of your “grown up” world and problems doesn’t mean I should be forced to do the same. But what’s most upsetting is that you’re still in denial that I am passionate about what I do, and that I can imagine myself doing it for a long time, until my knees give out, but that it was never a part of your original plan (or mine, for that matter).
Who cares if things were never a part of the original plan?! The road in front of you will always change, and you may take some wrong turns along the way, but if you lost the map or it got shred to bits by some bears you met along the way, then eff it all, go off intuition and go where your heart takes you, because if you don’t know where you’re going, you might as well have fun and go through some self-discovery in the process.
Because, in all honesty, I want to be selfish. I want to make everything work in my favor. And, terrifyingly enough, I’m willing to pull a Machiavellian “by any means necessary” plan and sell my plasma, or a kidney, or some obscure body part just to make all my childishly idealistic plans possible. I want to be able to help pay for everything, I really do. It’s my pride and loyalty intertwined with my absolute need for independence that’s making me want, nay, need to pay for everything, from my car and insurances to the mortgage on the house. It’s my downfall that wishful thinking and idealism just happen to get in the way of everything and make me believe that the research trip of a lifetime to the Philippines, however short of a trip it is, is possible in the midst of all this.
In all reality, I want to stop this train. I want to remain young, slightly foolish, and altogether risky, and I want to say screw it all, I’m incurring credit card debt and quite possibly personal debt to fund this trip. I’m only good at being young, albeit because it’s all I know how to do. There’s a huge part of me that resents being forced to grow up too fast all because I was born too late in life, that wants to remind everyone else that I am still young and should hold on to it for as long as I can. Just because you’re forgetting what youthful enthusiasm is like in the midst of your “grown up” world and problems doesn’t mean I should be forced to do the same. But what’s most upsetting is that you’re still in denial that I am passionate about what I do, and that I can imagine myself doing it for a long time, until my knees give out, but that it was never a part of your original plan (or mine, for that matter).
Who cares if things were never a part of the original plan?! The road in front of you will always change, and you may take some wrong turns along the way, but if you lost the map or it got shred to bits by some bears you met along the way, then eff it all, go off intuition and go where your heart takes you, because if you don’t know where you’re going, you might as well have fun and go through some self-discovery in the process.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
After Graduation: The Commencement Mixtape
It’s almost 9 pm on a Monday summer night, and I’m sitting in an almost empty apartment, catching the last rays of afternoon light filtered through the twilight’s transient uncertainty, with my “Move Along” playlist on repeat, trying to sort through everything running through my mind.
Earlier, I went running, in a desperate attempt to run away from everything. I refused to walk parts of it, if only because I felt like the minute I did walk, everything I was trying to run away from would catch up to me. And so, I kept running, until the blood pounding in my head drowned out any whispers that refused to be unheard.
They tell you life gets better after graduation, but they never tell you how confusing it really is, because I don’t think anything ever quite prepares you for the real world, whether you have a secure internship, a real job, or are desperately seeking employment directly after taking that 30 second yet eternal walk across the stage. So many people have their own opinions of what I “should” be or “could” be doing. Is it so wrong to want to be a semi-bohemian, pseudo-New Age hippie and say I just want to keep working for a non-profit for a year with the community that I for sure will relate to and sympathize with the most while I slowly but surely inch towards earning a post-bachelor’s degree?! I don’t want to work for a soul-sucking corporate job or even a federal job yet. I want to stay as young and optimistic as possible about my future before I start on the real daily grind. But how can I possibly be that selfish knowing that my dad needs to retire and my mom is continually worried about bills and payments? They say I don’t need to work yet and are continually checking in to make sure they’re not forcing me into this, but we all know this is a “do what you gotta do” scenario, and with everyone else from the family/tribal elders and my younger nieces to my agency supervisor asking what I’m planning on doing with my life now that I’ve already earned two degrees before I’m even 21, I need to come up with a definite plan. And fast.
February 13, aka Friday the 13th. I always knew the 13th was a monumental day each month of this past year, in both good and bad ways, but I think February’s just topped it all, especially because it was the day before Valentine’s Day. You’d think I’d be over it, but too bad my tendency to hold on to past hurts and the fact that I still see him all the time make for a bad combination. I’m still haunted by the memories, though I desperately tried to fade them all out. I offered genuine forgiveness for Lent and I honestly did forgive him, but I’m not sure I ever forgave myself and let the guilt and uncertainty of that night go. And I know that one night, which stemmed from that one month of naïve cluelessness, added on to a lifetime of trust issues that I know won’t be resolved for a long while. But maybe all this guilt and anti-trust will help me focus on my goals and strengthen my resolve in my independence. At least, I’m hoping for it, otherwise I really will be going through all this for nothing. Now, I’m just praying for a miracle, and hoping that he realizes that his family is everything, and that he tells me that he’s finally over it. But I still feel like I’m asking for too much when I ask for something that should be so simple.
Then there’s the one thing keeping me sane through all this, the pamilya that takes me away from reality for a couple hours a time. What happens when something that you do “for the love of it” becomes one of the biggest sources of stress? You know it’s a bad sign when even I get fed up with certain things, even if these things are the bureaucratic political side, which I hate in any aspect of things. We’re talking about the people that have never even seen me truly angry. Thank goodness for lazy Sunday afternoon vent sessions at HQ to renew my faith and uplift my spirits, with some of my favorite sisters and “sisters.”
“When all you’ve got to keep is strong, move along like I know you do. Even when your hope is gone, move along just to make it through.”
Earlier, I went running, in a desperate attempt to run away from everything. I refused to walk parts of it, if only because I felt like the minute I did walk, everything I was trying to run away from would catch up to me. And so, I kept running, until the blood pounding in my head drowned out any whispers that refused to be unheard.
They tell you life gets better after graduation, but they never tell you how confusing it really is, because I don’t think anything ever quite prepares you for the real world, whether you have a secure internship, a real job, or are desperately seeking employment directly after taking that 30 second yet eternal walk across the stage. So many people have their own opinions of what I “should” be or “could” be doing. Is it so wrong to want to be a semi-bohemian, pseudo-New Age hippie and say I just want to keep working for a non-profit for a year with the community that I for sure will relate to and sympathize with the most while I slowly but surely inch towards earning a post-bachelor’s degree?! I don’t want to work for a soul-sucking corporate job or even a federal job yet. I want to stay as young and optimistic as possible about my future before I start on the real daily grind. But how can I possibly be that selfish knowing that my dad needs to retire and my mom is continually worried about bills and payments? They say I don’t need to work yet and are continually checking in to make sure they’re not forcing me into this, but we all know this is a “do what you gotta do” scenario, and with everyone else from the family/tribal elders and my younger nieces to my agency supervisor asking what I’m planning on doing with my life now that I’ve already earned two degrees before I’m even 21, I need to come up with a definite plan. And fast.
February 13, aka Friday the 13th. I always knew the 13th was a monumental day each month of this past year, in both good and bad ways, but I think February’s just topped it all, especially because it was the day before Valentine’s Day. You’d think I’d be over it, but too bad my tendency to hold on to past hurts and the fact that I still see him all the time make for a bad combination. I’m still haunted by the memories, though I desperately tried to fade them all out. I offered genuine forgiveness for Lent and I honestly did forgive him, but I’m not sure I ever forgave myself and let the guilt and uncertainty of that night go. And I know that one night, which stemmed from that one month of naïve cluelessness, added on to a lifetime of trust issues that I know won’t be resolved for a long while. But maybe all this guilt and anti-trust will help me focus on my goals and strengthen my resolve in my independence. At least, I’m hoping for it, otherwise I really will be going through all this for nothing. Now, I’m just praying for a miracle, and hoping that he realizes that his family is everything, and that he tells me that he’s finally over it. But I still feel like I’m asking for too much when I ask for something that should be so simple.
Then there’s the one thing keeping me sane through all this, the pamilya that takes me away from reality for a couple hours a time. What happens when something that you do “for the love of it” becomes one of the biggest sources of stress? You know it’s a bad sign when even I get fed up with certain things, even if these things are the bureaucratic political side, which I hate in any aspect of things. We’re talking about the people that have never even seen me truly angry. Thank goodness for lazy Sunday afternoon vent sessions at HQ to renew my faith and uplift my spirits, with some of my favorite sisters and “sisters.”
“When all you’ve got to keep is strong, move along like I know you do. Even when your hope is gone, move along just to make it through.”
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