Friday, March 26, 2010

The Post-Undergrad Assessment

“It’s estimated that about 1.5 million Americans graduated last year and less than half of them graduated with a job at hand.” A friend recently wrote an article with this staggering statistic, for those who have a newfound freedom and have found free time after graduation and yet struggle with the uncertainty of unemployment. I, on the other hand, write this minority report for those who actually were fortunate enough to find some employment. We all know there are two sides to every story and that every fortune has to be balanced out.

Student graduates. Graduate finds full time employment. Employee finds happiness. Though we all wish the equation were so simple, we know it’s not always the case. Employment does not necessarily equal happiness, financial and/or mental freedom, or escape from that proverbial monkey on the back. Despite my situation and everything I should be and am grateful for, I feel like it’s still not enough.

Truth is, you do your best and they expect better. Who is “they,” you ask? Society, your family, your parents, the other sides of yourself; name it, you’re fighting it. Truth is, unhappiness will always be found in the situation, despite the blessings that surround it. Don’t get me wrong, there is always something good in every situation. However, I am still a proponent of the fact (because it’s not a theory, it’s been continually proven) that the universe always has to balance itself out. For this reason, none of us are allowed too much happiness or too many good fortunes.

Then again, what do I really know? After all, fortune is all perception and happiness is a state of mind. Guaranteed that life will always balance out, but who’s to say if it’s for better or worse?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Things Fall Apart

The following is part of a three-part free write conjured up at work. Go figure.

01/26/10: They say that sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to fall into place. I guess this whole unexpected job opportunity that fell into my lap is living proof. I didn’t get the counseling job in San Leandro so that I could get the federally funded job with (slightly) better pay, more opportunities for growth, and, essentially, more ideal schedule on Treasure Island. I say “more ideal” as an idealistic optimist (for once!), if those grad school schemes and dreams work out.

01/30/10: So now my question is if I believe in this saying for all aspects of life. I thought I did, when Navy Boy walked back into my life out of nowhere, after two years, the same week I experienced my first real heartbreak. It was almost too serendipitous to be true, but that’s because it was. Who knows, maybe the same was happening with him, and he sought solace in familiarly unexplored territory. Who knows, I’m not about to be the one making excuses for him. Like majorejulian said, “God forgives, not me!” If anything, it’s not my job to do so.

So now the question is, have things in this aspect of life fallen apart to give way already? If not, just how far do we have to fall? I ask this question with a kind of dreaded anticipation because, deep down, though our shared sense of guilt and fear will prevent us from ever admitting it, we know just how far things actually can fall apart. Shoots, I’m about to consult Chinua Achebe for this. On a side not, I do wish now that I had actually finished/read that book.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we’re all inherently selfish, in the end. I’ve now realized that my selfishness in this situation has played out in multiple ways. I, too, have become the one who wants to have her cake and eat it too; how ironic, considering that I used to be angry at someone and chastised this person for the very same reason. I’m not willing to give up either relation or connection, and we all know that the one who tries to stand on both sides of the canyon is the one who eventually has nothing left to stand on. We’re all selfish, in the end.

I’ve heard it said that it takes 30 days to break a habit. Press restart, because we’re now at Day 3.

01/31/10: Scratch that. Day 1. Yes, attempts count. Who knew I’d be the intoxicated dialing/texting type? Problem is, I swear I’m trying. I’m tryna be strong, because Marie Digby did point out that there’s a beauty in walking away. And I’ve never been the type to go back to something or someone that continuously hurts me, unless it’s unavoidable. And, real talk? While the person may not be avoidable, the situation very much is. But, it’s in those times of weakness that I find the situation unexplainably, irreverently irrevocable, breathing in an indelible high that constantly threatens to pull me down below the turbulent waters, where every moment we spend together is one more breath that has to be taken cautiously.

And while we’re typecasting, I’ve learned (or is it that I’ve always known and just recently recognized?) that I’m the heartbreaking, love ‘em and leave ‘em, “a kiss can be just a kiss” type. But I ain’t about to be the b-tch type that doesn’t make her intentions known straight up from the get, because in all honesty, I’m not tryna be the game-playing type. It’s only happened once, though I’ll let you guess with whom, however unintentional it may have been. I never wanted to be the “says one thing, does another, but really thinks and believes in something completely different” type, because please believe, I mos def hate on the mixed signals type as much as anyone else. But I guess those who send mixed signals are inherently the confused types, tryna figure out why they’re pursuing something that goes against every fundamental belief on which they’ve built every (healthy) relationship.

Or maybe, just as everyone is selfish in the end, everyone is also confused in the end; some are just better at hiding it than others.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Fine Lines

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” –Rumi (via Deepak_Chopra on Twitter)

I don’t know what would be more surprising, the fact that Deepak Chopra tweets or the fact that I follow him. But that’s beside the point. I think what’s ironic is that this quote got posted the day that a good friend told me to “burn someone” because of his forbidden emotions for me, but a week after another good friend told me that I needed to take down my walls. Even more ironic are the people who gave me these pieces of advice: the third person involved in my first tryst with danger, and the third person involved with my most recent one.

Damn this whole “temporary layoff” business. It gives you too much time to think. And while we’re on that note, how ironic is it that my diploma only came in the mail the week I was laid off/unemployed for an indefinite amount of time?! Thank you, college.

But again, I digress.

This past weekend, our dance company drove to LA from SF after a performance on Saturday night just to perform at another event on Sunday night. Yeah, I know, we’re stupid insane. But it’s the things we do for our friends as well as the willingness to go on all these adventures that I love. As we’re traversing the Grapevine and the I-5 at semi-perilous speeds at 2 in the morning, I write the following:

It’s the middle of the night, the full moon is lighting our way, and it’s pissin’ me off that I keep thinking of you, always at these inopportune, semi-romantic moments. And, admittedly, I’ll think of you in those inebriated states, definitely thankful the morning after that you were nowhere nearby and that my fingers weren’t numbed into stupidly dialing your number or texting you. And what pisses me off even more is admitting that, yeah, I am getting attached to you. Or, even worse, have been attached. So where do we go from here? Oh wait, wasn’t I the one who established that there is no ‘us,’ there is no ‘we?’ So when did I subconsciously slip into this state? When I was in my right state of mind, that rule was established to avoid this exact sticky situation, because even if you may delusionally love me and I might begrudgingly be attached to you, what good would that do any of us?

And so I ask, what happens when you find yourself attached to someone that you have no right to be attached to, that should have never even had the opportunity to get as close to you as he did? Maybe I was only initially angry at him for feeling what he did because I wanted to deny what I knew was happening, and because I wanted to put things between us to a grinding halt. Little did I know I would find myself getting seduced into a world of dangerous mind games, forbidden emotions, and sneaking around. But I never would have figured I might actually enjoy it.

Some consider physically dangerous situations a walk on the wild side. For me, a walk on the wild side is this: something that can psychologically, emotionally, and mentally push you to the edge. Find me there.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Humbly Blessed

As posted on Facebook, for Parangal Dance Company

Throughout the unbelievable journey of both this weekend and the past 14 months, that is the key term. In the wise words of our baby, Klyden, “I feel blessed for all the opportunities.” And it was our dear fren Gilbert who reminded us, “We need to stay humble.”

It’s Monday night as I write this, and the unbelievable Vegas weekend is finally at a close (condolences to those who couldn’t extend their weekend for another day and had to work today, but mad props for all that paper chasin’). I finally get to soak it all in, even though “We Are the Champions” is still playing in my head, and the excitement is far from fading.

Truth be told, this weekend was hard to believe for me from the beginning, back when we first got this performance request. We’ve always talked about doing out-of-state gigs/tours, but none really came to fruition until this fateful show. And of course our first tour just ended up being a competition. And of course our first competition, we just ended up winning first place. Not bad for a group of people who didn’t care about the competition and just wanted to go to Vegas for the sake of the adventure (or in one person’s case, not bad for someone who didn’t even know we were competiting *coughMarissacough*). Not bad for a group that’s barely hit its one year anniversary.

I just wanted to share what my director at West Bay said when he found out I was going to Vegas for a Parangal performance: “Wait, you’re with Parangal?! You must be really good then! I mean, everyone’s talking about you guys. And not just Filipinos, you’re known all over by the Giants, the Raiders, the Warriors, even in Sacramento, right? Wow! I can’t wait to see you at Pistahan!” By the way, Kuya Rudy’s on the planning committee for Pistahan, so y’all best bring it that weekend, digg? ;)

Like what I told Marissa, who knew that when we first stepped through a pair of Tinikling sticks in high school that we would end up here, with a group that’s becoming recognized in our home turf as well as in other states? Who knew that our dance journeys would bring us all together in such a fateful way and irrevocably change our personal journeys as well? I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and the head-pounding excitement and tears of joy we all shared when we found out the results of this weekend were a powerful reminder and affirmation that we are exactly where we need to be. All the same, my perfectionist tendencies are a constant push that we can and should strive for more, because we have earned it, and, more importantly, because we owe it to ourselves and each other.

We were blessed with the talents we received, and in my opinion, it’s our mission to not only give tribute to our culture, it’s our mission to make use of these talents and our passion and share them with others. Likewise, I feel blessed that I got to discover this growing talent and passion amongst peer mentors who constantly push me to be a better dancer and a better person, amongst friends who have become family. As cheesy as it sounds, every laugh, tear, argument (ahem, I mean discussion), and meal we share is another drop of glue that essentially bonds us together and makes us stronger.

There was really no point to this note other than to share my thoughts and thank you. Deepak Chopra said, “Your soul carries the potential, your mind carries the intention, and your brain produces the result.” (Yeah, I follow his Twitter, and what?!) I believe we’ve already discovered our potential and we have made our intentions known. We have been and must continue to produce results.

So go on, our Parangal pamilya, keep doing the dang thang :)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

SF Ethnic Dance Festival 2009

The last week or so has been pretty insane. Actually, scratch that, the last 24 hours have been pretty insane. Tell me how a girl is gonna go between 4 cities and 3 residences along that time, hitting up a new car and a major performance in the process?! Um, yeah. Anyway, on to the highlight story.

It’s Monday afternoon as I write this, a full 24 hours after our final performance at the 31st SF Ethnic Dance Festival, and I’m still riding that “Ethnic high.” Ever since February, when we first found out we were honored enough to be among those who earned a coveted spot in such a prestigious event, and even ever since last fall when we were preparing for our audition, I always wondered what this weekend would bring. I remember waking up on Saturday morning to a text saying, “This is the day He has made. Let us rejoice and be glad.” Followed, of course, by an “O di va?” And I realized, it was finally here. Thank goodness! All that prep work, stress, worry, and practice would soon pay off. And it did.

Looking back, I now wish I could relive this weekend. In my mind, the high of walking off the stage and being able to high five everyone, and/or say “I think I just had a hard on” in reference to how we were able to put our hearts and souls on that stage in such a cohesive manner .. that feeling will live on in my mind, and it’s gonna be pretty hard to top it, in my opinion. I know that months from now, or hopefully even years from now, when I’m going through a stressful moment in my personal dance journey, I’ll go back to this feeling and draw from it as a source of strength, to remind myself that I started and continue to do this for the pure love of it.

The most amazing part of partaking in this particular festival was the fact that all these cultures were able to come together, educate each other and the community about their own, in such a beautiful and poetic way. One world, one collective spirit, all came together on one stage in one festival. The unity that spoke behind it all was mos def inspirational and reminds me that the best part of doing all this is getting to share my knowledge and passion with others.

However, the best part of this journey was, undoubtedly, the people that I was honored to share it with. From those times we were ready to shoot each other, to the times we were so frustrated we were just ready to give up, to those times we would send messages so corny they were endearing in an effort to encourage each other, I still will hold on to them. The trials made us stronger, the constructive criticism made us better, and the small moments drew us together, and I think we definitely defined the word Pamilya in this whole process. My energy has been renewed, my spirit has been uplifted, and I now know we can take on anything that comes at us.

Next stop: Las Vegas! That’s right, be excited.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Repost: www.datingish.com

This might not be relevant to most of the people who read my blog. But it might be relevant to a few. Or maybe to a lot more than I think. But this is a letter that needs to be written, and needs to be acknowledged.

Ladies:

I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like my world is complete. I know what it's like to feel like that person could do anything, and you would still be right there waiting. I have waited, and waited, and waited for my man to do right by me. I have had two children, I have cried tears that are STILL not dry in my heart. I have put up with more than I should have, and I have given them permission to take some of my power away from me for the rest of my life. And why? What did they do, what did they have that GAVE them that right? Who put them in a position to come into my life, tear me down, ruin me, hurt me, scar me? No one. No one but me. So I say this with complete love and understanding:

If you're in a relationship with a man, or trying to jam a relationship into place when you know that it doesn't exist, please STOP. Don't do that to yourself. If you have children, don't do that to them. You deserve better. God did not create us for a life of misery and hurt. He did not make us to be used by others, to be treated like garbage. We are precious and strong, and deserve to ACT and be treated that way.

Life is not built on principles. Yes, it's nice to do the right thing, to stick up for your values. But if you're doing something, putting up with something, accepting something just on principle, PLEASE be sure that it is the right choice. Don't put yourself in the position to be torn down any longer. If you know that you cannot rely on the man you have in your life, then don't rely on him.

Imagine all of that hurt, anger, bitterness, pain, and anxiety as a backpack and set it down. Don't hold on to it.

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

I lied. I lied completely.

Because, in all honesty, I want to be selfish. I want to make everything work in my favor. And, terrifyingly enough, I’m willing to pull a Machiavellian “by any means necessary” plan and sell my plasma, or a kidney, or some obscure body part just to make all my childishly idealistic plans possible. I want to be able to help pay for everything, I really do. It’s my pride and loyalty intertwined with my absolute need for independence that’s making me want, nay, need to pay for everything, from my car and insurances to the mortgage on the house. It’s my downfall that wishful thinking and idealism just happen to get in the way of everything and make me believe that the research trip of a lifetime to the Philippines, however short of a trip it is, is possible in the midst of all this.

In all reality, I want to stop this train. I want to remain young, slightly foolish, and altogether risky, and I want to say screw it all, I’m incurring credit card debt and quite possibly personal debt to fund this trip. I’m only good at being young, albeit because it’s all I know how to do. There’s a huge part of me that resents being forced to grow up too fast all because I was born too late in life, that wants to remind everyone else that I am still young and should hold on to it for as long as I can. Just because you’re forgetting what youthful enthusiasm is like in the midst of your “grown up” world and problems doesn’t mean I should be forced to do the same. But what’s most upsetting is that you’re still in denial that I am passionate about what I do, and that I can imagine myself doing it for a long time, until my knees give out, but that it was never a part of your original plan (or mine, for that matter).

Who cares if things were never a part of the original plan?! The road in front of you will always change, and you may take some wrong turns along the way, but if you lost the map or it got shred to bits by some bears you met along the way, then eff it all, go off intuition and go where your heart takes you, because if you don’t know where you’re going, you might as well have fun and go through some self-discovery in the process.