Fine Lines

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” –Rumi (via Deepak_Chopra on Twitter)

I don’t know what would be more surprising, the fact that Deepak Chopra tweets or the fact that I follow him. But that’s beside the point. I think what’s ironic is that this quote got posted the day that a good friend told me to “burn someone” because of his forbidden emotions for me, but a week after another good friend told me that I needed to take down my walls. Even more ironic are the people who gave me these pieces of advice: the third person involved in my first tryst with danger, and the third person involved with my most recent one.

Damn this whole “temporary layoff” business. It gives you too much time to think. And while we’re on that note, how ironic is it that my diploma only came in the mail the week I was laid off/unemployed for an indefinite amount of time?! Thank you, college.

But again, I digress.

This past weekend, our dance company drove to LA from SF after a performance on Saturday night just to perform at another event on Sunday night. Yeah, I know, we’re stupid insane. But it’s the things we do for our friends as well as the willingness to go on all these adventures that I love. As we’re traversing the Grapevine and the I-5 at semi-perilous speeds at 2 in the morning, I write the following:

“It’s the middle of the night, the full moon is lighting our way, and it’s pissin’ me off that I keep thinking of you, always at these inopportune, semi-romantic moments. And, admittedly, I’ll think of you in those inebriated states, definitely thankful the morning after that you were nowhere nearby and that my fingers weren’t numbed into stupidly dialing your number or texting you. And what pisses me off even more is admitting that, yeah, I am getting attached to you. Or, even worse, have been attached. So where do we go from here? Oh wait, wasn’t I the one who established that there is no ‘us,’ there is no ‘we?’ So when did I subconsciously slip into this state? When I was in my right state of mind, that rule was established to avoid this exact sticky situation, because even if you may delusionally love me and I might begrudgingly be attached to you, what good would that do any of us?”

And so I ask, what happens when you find yourself attached to someone that you have no right to be attached to, that should have never even had the opportunity to get as close to you as he did? Maybe I was only initially angry at him for feeling what he did because I wanted to deny what I knew was happening, and because I wanted to put things between us to a grinding halt. Little did I know I would find myself getting seduced into a world of dangerous mind games, forbidden emotions, and sneaking around. But I never would have figured I might actually enjoy it.

Some consider physically dangerous situations a walk on the wild side. For me, a walk on the wild side is this: something that can psychologically, emotionally, and mentally push you to the edge. Find me there.