“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” –Rumi (via Deepak_Chopra on Twitter)
I don’t know what would be more surprising, the fact that Deepak Chopra tweets or the fact that I follow him. But that’s beside the point. I think what’s ironic is that this quote got posted the day that a good friend told me to “burn someone” because of his forbidden emotions for me, but a week after another good friend told me that I needed to take down my walls. Even more ironic are the people who gave me these pieces of advice: the third person involved in my first tryst with danger, and the third person involved with my most recent one.
Damn this whole “temporary layoff” business. It gives you too much time to think. And while we’re on that note, how ironic is it that my diploma only came in the mail the week I was laid off/unemployed for an indefinite amount of time?! Thank you, college.
But again, I digress.
This past weekend, our dance company drove to LA from SF after a performance on Saturday night just to perform at another event on Sunday night. Yeah, I know, we’re stupid insane. But it’s the things we do for our friends as well as the willingness to go on all these adventures that I love. As we’re traversing the Grapevine and the I-5 at semi-perilous speeds at 2 in the morning, I write the following:
“It’s the middle of the night, the full moon is lighting our way, and it’s pissin’ me off that I keep thinking of you, always at these inopportune, semi-romantic moments. And, admittedly, I’ll think of you in those inebriated states, definitely thankful the morning after that you were nowhere nearby and that my fingers weren’t numbed into stupidly dialing your number or texting you. And what pisses me off even more is admitting that, yeah, I am getting attached to you. Or, even worse, have been attached. So where do we go from here? Oh wait, wasn’t I the one who established that there is no ‘us,’ there is no ‘we?’ So when did I subconsciously slip into this state? When I was in my right state of mind, that rule was established to avoid this exact sticky situation, because even if you may delusionally love me and I might begrudgingly be attached to you, what good would that do any of us?”
And so I ask, what happens when you find yourself attached to someone that you have no right to be attached to, that should have never even had the opportunity to get as close to you as he did? Maybe I was only initially angry at him for feeling what he did because I wanted to deny what I knew was happening, and because I wanted to put things between us to a grinding halt. Little did I know I would find myself getting seduced into a world of dangerous mind games, forbidden emotions, and sneaking around. But I never would have figured I might actually enjoy it.
Some consider physically dangerous situations a walk on the wild side. For me, a walk on the wild side is this: something that can psychologically, emotionally, and mentally push you to the edge. Find me there.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Humbly Blessed
As posted on Facebook, for Parangal Dance Company
Throughout the unbelievable journey of both this weekend and the past 14 months, that is the key term. In the wise words of our baby, Klyden, “I feel blessed for all the opportunities.” And it was our dear fren Gilbert who reminded us, “We need to stay humble.”
It’s Monday night as I write this, and the unbelievable Vegas weekend is finally at a close (condolences to those who couldn’t extend their weekend for another day and had to work today, but mad props for all that paper chasin’). I finally get to soak it all in, even though “We Are the Champions” is still playing in my head, and the excitement is far from fading.
Truth be told, this weekend was hard to believe for me from the beginning, back when we first got this performance request. We’ve always talked about doing out-of-state gigs/tours, but none really came to fruition until this fateful show. And of course our first tour just ended up being a competition. And of course our first competition, we just ended up winning first place. Not bad for a group of people who didn’t care about the competition and just wanted to go to Vegas for the sake of the adventure (or in one person’s case, not bad for someone who didn’t even know we were competiting *coughMarissacough*). Not bad for a group that’s barely hit its one year anniversary.
I just wanted to share what my director at West Bay said when he found out I was going to Vegas for a Parangal performance: “Wait, you’re with Parangal?! You must be really good then! I mean, everyone’s talking about you guys. And not just Filipinos, you’re known all over by the Giants, the Raiders, the Warriors, even in Sacramento, right? Wow! I can’t wait to see you at Pistahan!” By the way, Kuya Rudy’s on the planning committee for Pistahan, so y’all best bring it that weekend, digg? ;)
Like what I told Marissa, who knew that when we first stepped through a pair of Tinikling sticks in high school that we would end up here, with a group that’s becoming recognized in our home turf as well as in other states? Who knew that our dance journeys would bring us all together in such a fateful way and irrevocably change our personal journeys as well? I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and the head-pounding excitement and tears of joy we all shared when we found out the results of this weekend were a powerful reminder and affirmation that we are exactly where we need to be. All the same, my perfectionist tendencies are a constant push that we can and should strive for more, because we have earned it, and, more importantly, because we owe it to ourselves and each other.
We were blessed with the talents we received, and in my opinion, it’s our mission to not only give tribute to our culture, it’s our mission to make use of these talents and our passion and share them with others. Likewise, I feel blessed that I got to discover this growing talent and passion amongst peer mentors who constantly push me to be a better dancer and a better person, amongst friends who have become family. As cheesy as it sounds, every laugh, tear, argument (ahem, I mean discussion), and meal we share is another drop of glue that essentially bonds us together and makes us stronger.
There was really no point to this note other than to share my thoughts and thank you. Deepak Chopra said, “Your soul carries the potential, your mind carries the intention, and your brain produces the result.” (Yeah, I follow his Twitter, and what?!) I believe we’ve already discovered our potential and we have made our intentions known. We have been and must continue to produce results.
So go on, our Parangal pamilya, keep doing the dang thang :)
Throughout the unbelievable journey of both this weekend and the past 14 months, that is the key term. In the wise words of our baby, Klyden, “I feel blessed for all the opportunities.” And it was our dear fren Gilbert who reminded us, “We need to stay humble.”
It’s Monday night as I write this, and the unbelievable Vegas weekend is finally at a close (condolences to those who couldn’t extend their weekend for another day and had to work today, but mad props for all that paper chasin’). I finally get to soak it all in, even though “We Are the Champions” is still playing in my head, and the excitement is far from fading.
Truth be told, this weekend was hard to believe for me from the beginning, back when we first got this performance request. We’ve always talked about doing out-of-state gigs/tours, but none really came to fruition until this fateful show. And of course our first tour just ended up being a competition. And of course our first competition, we just ended up winning first place. Not bad for a group of people who didn’t care about the competition and just wanted to go to Vegas for the sake of the adventure (or in one person’s case, not bad for someone who didn’t even know we were competiting *coughMarissacough*). Not bad for a group that’s barely hit its one year anniversary.
I just wanted to share what my director at West Bay said when he found out I was going to Vegas for a Parangal performance: “Wait, you’re with Parangal?! You must be really good then! I mean, everyone’s talking about you guys. And not just Filipinos, you’re known all over by the Giants, the Raiders, the Warriors, even in Sacramento, right? Wow! I can’t wait to see you at Pistahan!” By the way, Kuya Rudy’s on the planning committee for Pistahan, so y’all best bring it that weekend, digg? ;)
Like what I told Marissa, who knew that when we first stepped through a pair of Tinikling sticks in high school that we would end up here, with a group that’s becoming recognized in our home turf as well as in other states? Who knew that our dance journeys would bring us all together in such a fateful way and irrevocably change our personal journeys as well? I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and the head-pounding excitement and tears of joy we all shared when we found out the results of this weekend were a powerful reminder and affirmation that we are exactly where we need to be. All the same, my perfectionist tendencies are a constant push that we can and should strive for more, because we have earned it, and, more importantly, because we owe it to ourselves and each other.
We were blessed with the talents we received, and in my opinion, it’s our mission to not only give tribute to our culture, it’s our mission to make use of these talents and our passion and share them with others. Likewise, I feel blessed that I got to discover this growing talent and passion amongst peer mentors who constantly push me to be a better dancer and a better person, amongst friends who have become family. As cheesy as it sounds, every laugh, tear, argument (ahem, I mean discussion), and meal we share is another drop of glue that essentially bonds us together and makes us stronger.
There was really no point to this note other than to share my thoughts and thank you. Deepak Chopra said, “Your soul carries the potential, your mind carries the intention, and your brain produces the result.” (Yeah, I follow his Twitter, and what?!) I believe we’ve already discovered our potential and we have made our intentions known. We have been and must continue to produce results.
So go on, our Parangal pamilya, keep doing the dang thang :)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
SF Ethnic Dance Festival 2009
The last week or so has been pretty insane. Actually, scratch that, the last 24 hours have been pretty insane. Tell me how a girl is gonna go between 4 cities and 3 residences along that time, hitting up a new car and a major performance in the process?! Um, yeah. Anyway, on to the highlight story.
It’s Monday afternoon as I write this, a full 24 hours after our final performance at the 31st SF Ethnic Dance Festival, and I’m still riding that “Ethnic high.” Ever since February, when we first found out we were honored enough to be among those who earned a coveted spot in such a prestigious event, and even ever since last fall when we were preparing for our audition, I always wondered what this weekend would bring. I remember waking up on Saturday morning to a text saying, “This is the day He has made. Let us rejoice and be glad.” Followed, of course, by an “O di va?” And I realized, it was finally here. Thank goodness! All that prep work, stress, worry, and practice would soon pay off. And it did.
Looking back, I now wish I could relive this weekend. In my mind, the high of walking off the stage and being able to high five everyone, and/or say “I think I just had a hard on” in reference to how we were able to put our hearts and souls on that stage in such a cohesive manner .. that feeling will live on in my mind, and it’s gonna be pretty hard to top it, in my opinion. I know that months from now, or hopefully even years from now, when I’m going through a stressful moment in my personal dance journey, I’ll go back to this feeling and draw from it as a source of strength, to remind myself that I started and continue to do this for the pure love of it.
The most amazing part of partaking in this particular festival was the fact that all these cultures were able to come together, educate each other and the community about their own, in such a beautiful and poetic way. One world, one collective spirit, all came together on one stage in one festival. The unity that spoke behind it all was mos def inspirational and reminds me that the best part of doing all this is getting to share my knowledge and passion with others.
However, the best part of this journey was, undoubtedly, the people that I was honored to share it with. From those times we were ready to shoot each other, to the times we were so frustrated we were just ready to give up, to those times we would send messages so corny they were endearing in an effort to encourage each other, I still will hold on to them. The trials made us stronger, the constructive criticism made us better, and the small moments drew us together, and I think we definitely defined the word Pamilya in this whole process. My energy has been renewed, my spirit has been uplifted, and I now know we can take on anything that comes at us.
Next stop: Las Vegas! That’s right, be excited.
It’s Monday afternoon as I write this, a full 24 hours after our final performance at the 31st SF Ethnic Dance Festival, and I’m still riding that “Ethnic high.” Ever since February, when we first found out we were honored enough to be among those who earned a coveted spot in such a prestigious event, and even ever since last fall when we were preparing for our audition, I always wondered what this weekend would bring. I remember waking up on Saturday morning to a text saying, “This is the day He has made. Let us rejoice and be glad.” Followed, of course, by an “O di va?” And I realized, it was finally here. Thank goodness! All that prep work, stress, worry, and practice would soon pay off. And it did.
Looking back, I now wish I could relive this weekend. In my mind, the high of walking off the stage and being able to high five everyone, and/or say “I think I just had a hard on” in reference to how we were able to put our hearts and souls on that stage in such a cohesive manner .. that feeling will live on in my mind, and it’s gonna be pretty hard to top it, in my opinion. I know that months from now, or hopefully even years from now, when I’m going through a stressful moment in my personal dance journey, I’ll go back to this feeling and draw from it as a source of strength, to remind myself that I started and continue to do this for the pure love of it.
The most amazing part of partaking in this particular festival was the fact that all these cultures were able to come together, educate each other and the community about their own, in such a beautiful and poetic way. One world, one collective spirit, all came together on one stage in one festival. The unity that spoke behind it all was mos def inspirational and reminds me that the best part of doing all this is getting to share my knowledge and passion with others.
However, the best part of this journey was, undoubtedly, the people that I was honored to share it with. From those times we were ready to shoot each other, to the times we were so frustrated we were just ready to give up, to those times we would send messages so corny they were endearing in an effort to encourage each other, I still will hold on to them. The trials made us stronger, the constructive criticism made us better, and the small moments drew us together, and I think we definitely defined the word Pamilya in this whole process. My energy has been renewed, my spirit has been uplifted, and I now know we can take on anything that comes at us.
Next stop: Las Vegas! That’s right, be excited.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Repost: www.datingish.com
This might not be relevant to most of the people who read my blog. But it might be relevant to a few. Or maybe to a lot more than I think. But this is a letter that needs to be written, and needs to be acknowledged.
Ladies:
I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like my world is complete. I know what it's like to feel like that person could do anything, and you would still be right there waiting. I have waited, and waited, and waited for my man to do right by me. I have had two children, I have cried tears that are STILL not dry in my heart. I have put up with more than I should have, and I have given them permission to take some of my power away from me for the rest of my life. And why? What did they do, what did they have that GAVE them that right? Who put them in a position to come into my life, tear me down, ruin me, hurt me, scar me? No one. No one but me. So I say this with complete love and understanding:
If you're in a relationship with a man, or trying to jam a relationship into place when you know that it doesn't exist, please STOP. Don't do that to yourself. If you have children, don't do that to them. You deserve better. God did not create us for a life of misery and hurt. He did not make us to be used by others, to be treated like garbage. We are precious and strong, and deserve to ACT and be treated that way.
Life is not built on principles. Yes, it's nice to do the right thing, to stick up for your values. But if you're doing something, putting up with something, accepting something just on principle, PLEASE be sure that it is the right choice. Don't put yourself in the position to be torn down any longer. If you know that you cannot rely on the man you have in your life, then don't rely on him.
Imagine all of that hurt, anger, bitterness, pain, and anxiety as a backpack and set it down. Don't hold on to it.
Ladies:
I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like my world is complete. I know what it's like to feel like that person could do anything, and you would still be right there waiting. I have waited, and waited, and waited for my man to do right by me. I have had two children, I have cried tears that are STILL not dry in my heart. I have put up with more than I should have, and I have given them permission to take some of my power away from me for the rest of my life. And why? What did they do, what did they have that GAVE them that right? Who put them in a position to come into my life, tear me down, ruin me, hurt me, scar me? No one. No one but me. So I say this with complete love and understanding:
If you're in a relationship with a man, or trying to jam a relationship into place when you know that it doesn't exist, please STOP. Don't do that to yourself. If you have children, don't do that to them. You deserve better. God did not create us for a life of misery and hurt. He did not make us to be used by others, to be treated like garbage. We are precious and strong, and deserve to ACT and be treated that way.
Life is not built on principles. Yes, it's nice to do the right thing, to stick up for your values. But if you're doing something, putting up with something, accepting something just on principle, PLEASE be sure that it is the right choice. Don't put yourself in the position to be torn down any longer. If you know that you cannot rely on the man you have in your life, then don't rely on him.
Imagine all of that hurt, anger, bitterness, pain, and anxiety as a backpack and set it down. Don't hold on to it.
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
I lied. I lied completely.
Because, in all honesty, I want to be selfish. I want to make everything work in my favor. And, terrifyingly enough, I’m willing to pull a Machiavellian “by any means necessary” plan and sell my plasma, or a kidney, or some obscure body part just to make all my childishly idealistic plans possible. I want to be able to help pay for everything, I really do. It’s my pride and loyalty intertwined with my absolute need for independence that’s making me want, nay, need to pay for everything, from my car and insurances to the mortgage on the house. It’s my downfall that wishful thinking and idealism just happen to get in the way of everything and make me believe that the research trip of a lifetime to the Philippines, however short of a trip it is, is possible in the midst of all this.
In all reality, I want to stop this train. I want to remain young, slightly foolish, and altogether risky, and I want to say screw it all, I’m incurring credit card debt and quite possibly personal debt to fund this trip. I’m only good at being young, albeit because it’s all I know how to do. There’s a huge part of me that resents being forced to grow up too fast all because I was born too late in life, that wants to remind everyone else that I am still young and should hold on to it for as long as I can. Just because you’re forgetting what youthful enthusiasm is like in the midst of your “grown up” world and problems doesn’t mean I should be forced to do the same. But what’s most upsetting is that you’re still in denial that I am passionate about what I do, and that I can imagine myself doing it for a long time, until my knees give out, but that it was never a part of your original plan (or mine, for that matter).
Who cares if things were never a part of the original plan?! The road in front of you will always change, and you may take some wrong turns along the way, but if you lost the map or it got shred to bits by some bears you met along the way, then eff it all, go off intuition and go where your heart takes you, because if you don’t know where you’re going, you might as well have fun and go through some self-discovery in the process.
Because, in all honesty, I want to be selfish. I want to make everything work in my favor. And, terrifyingly enough, I’m willing to pull a Machiavellian “by any means necessary” plan and sell my plasma, or a kidney, or some obscure body part just to make all my childishly idealistic plans possible. I want to be able to help pay for everything, I really do. It’s my pride and loyalty intertwined with my absolute need for independence that’s making me want, nay, need to pay for everything, from my car and insurances to the mortgage on the house. It’s my downfall that wishful thinking and idealism just happen to get in the way of everything and make me believe that the research trip of a lifetime to the Philippines, however short of a trip it is, is possible in the midst of all this.
In all reality, I want to stop this train. I want to remain young, slightly foolish, and altogether risky, and I want to say screw it all, I’m incurring credit card debt and quite possibly personal debt to fund this trip. I’m only good at being young, albeit because it’s all I know how to do. There’s a huge part of me that resents being forced to grow up too fast all because I was born too late in life, that wants to remind everyone else that I am still young and should hold on to it for as long as I can. Just because you’re forgetting what youthful enthusiasm is like in the midst of your “grown up” world and problems doesn’t mean I should be forced to do the same. But what’s most upsetting is that you’re still in denial that I am passionate about what I do, and that I can imagine myself doing it for a long time, until my knees give out, but that it was never a part of your original plan (or mine, for that matter).
Who cares if things were never a part of the original plan?! The road in front of you will always change, and you may take some wrong turns along the way, but if you lost the map or it got shred to bits by some bears you met along the way, then eff it all, go off intuition and go where your heart takes you, because if you don’t know where you’re going, you might as well have fun and go through some self-discovery in the process.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
After Graduation: The Commencement Mixtape
It’s almost 9 pm on a Monday summer night, and I’m sitting in an almost empty apartment, catching the last rays of afternoon light filtered through the twilight’s transient uncertainty, with my “Move Along” playlist on repeat, trying to sort through everything running through my mind.
Earlier, I went running, in a desperate attempt to run away from everything. I refused to walk parts of it, if only because I felt like the minute I did walk, everything I was trying to run away from would catch up to me. And so, I kept running, until the blood pounding in my head drowned out any whispers that refused to be unheard.
They tell you life gets better after graduation, but they never tell you how confusing it really is, because I don’t think anything ever quite prepares you for the real world, whether you have a secure internship, a real job, or are desperately seeking employment directly after taking that 30 second yet eternal walk across the stage. So many people have their own opinions of what I “should” be or “could” be doing. Is it so wrong to want to be a semi-bohemian, pseudo-New Age hippie and say I just want to keep working for a non-profit for a year with the community that I for sure will relate to and sympathize with the most while I slowly but surely inch towards earning a post-bachelor’s degree?! I don’t want to work for a soul-sucking corporate job or even a federal job yet. I want to stay as young and optimistic as possible about my future before I start on the real daily grind. But how can I possibly be that selfish knowing that my dad needs to retire and my mom is continually worried about bills and payments? They say I don’t need to work yet and are continually checking in to make sure they’re not forcing me into this, but we all know this is a “do what you gotta do” scenario, and with everyone else from the family/tribal elders and my younger nieces to my agency supervisor asking what I’m planning on doing with my life now that I’ve already earned two degrees before I’m even 21, I need to come up with a definite plan. And fast.
February 13, aka Friday the 13th. I always knew the 13th was a monumental day each month of this past year, in both good and bad ways, but I think February’s just topped it all, especially because it was the day before Valentine’s Day. You’d think I’d be over it, but too bad my tendency to hold on to past hurts and the fact that I still see him all the time make for a bad combination. I’m still haunted by the memories, though I desperately tried to fade them all out. I offered genuine forgiveness for Lent and I honestly did forgive him, but I’m not sure I ever forgave myself and let the guilt and uncertainty of that night go. And I know that one night, which stemmed from that one month of naïve cluelessness, added on to a lifetime of trust issues that I know won’t be resolved for a long while. But maybe all this guilt and anti-trust will help me focus on my goals and strengthen my resolve in my independence. At least, I’m hoping for it, otherwise I really will be going through all this for nothing. Now, I’m just praying for a miracle, and hoping that he realizes that his family is everything, and that he tells me that he’s finally over it. But I still feel like I’m asking for too much when I ask for something that should be so simple.
Then there’s the one thing keeping me sane through all this, the pamilya that takes me away from reality for a couple hours a time. What happens when something that you do “for the love of it” becomes one of the biggest sources of stress? You know it’s a bad sign when even I get fed up with certain things, even if these things are the bureaucratic political side, which I hate in any aspect of things. We’re talking about the people that have never even seen me truly angry. Thank goodness for lazy Sunday afternoon vent sessions at HQ to renew my faith and uplift my spirits, with some of my favorite sisters and “sisters.”
“When all you’ve got to keep is strong, move along like I know you do. Even when your hope is gone, move along just to make it through.”
Earlier, I went running, in a desperate attempt to run away from everything. I refused to walk parts of it, if only because I felt like the minute I did walk, everything I was trying to run away from would catch up to me. And so, I kept running, until the blood pounding in my head drowned out any whispers that refused to be unheard.
They tell you life gets better after graduation, but they never tell you how confusing it really is, because I don’t think anything ever quite prepares you for the real world, whether you have a secure internship, a real job, or are desperately seeking employment directly after taking that 30 second yet eternal walk across the stage. So many people have their own opinions of what I “should” be or “could” be doing. Is it so wrong to want to be a semi-bohemian, pseudo-New Age hippie and say I just want to keep working for a non-profit for a year with the community that I for sure will relate to and sympathize with the most while I slowly but surely inch towards earning a post-bachelor’s degree?! I don’t want to work for a soul-sucking corporate job or even a federal job yet. I want to stay as young and optimistic as possible about my future before I start on the real daily grind. But how can I possibly be that selfish knowing that my dad needs to retire and my mom is continually worried about bills and payments? They say I don’t need to work yet and are continually checking in to make sure they’re not forcing me into this, but we all know this is a “do what you gotta do” scenario, and with everyone else from the family/tribal elders and my younger nieces to my agency supervisor asking what I’m planning on doing with my life now that I’ve already earned two degrees before I’m even 21, I need to come up with a definite plan. And fast.
February 13, aka Friday the 13th. I always knew the 13th was a monumental day each month of this past year, in both good and bad ways, but I think February’s just topped it all, especially because it was the day before Valentine’s Day. You’d think I’d be over it, but too bad my tendency to hold on to past hurts and the fact that I still see him all the time make for a bad combination. I’m still haunted by the memories, though I desperately tried to fade them all out. I offered genuine forgiveness for Lent and I honestly did forgive him, but I’m not sure I ever forgave myself and let the guilt and uncertainty of that night go. And I know that one night, which stemmed from that one month of naïve cluelessness, added on to a lifetime of trust issues that I know won’t be resolved for a long while. But maybe all this guilt and anti-trust will help me focus on my goals and strengthen my resolve in my independence. At least, I’m hoping for it, otherwise I really will be going through all this for nothing. Now, I’m just praying for a miracle, and hoping that he realizes that his family is everything, and that he tells me that he’s finally over it. But I still feel like I’m asking for too much when I ask for something that should be so simple.
Then there’s the one thing keeping me sane through all this, the pamilya that takes me away from reality for a couple hours a time. What happens when something that you do “for the love of it” becomes one of the biggest sources of stress? You know it’s a bad sign when even I get fed up with certain things, even if these things are the bureaucratic political side, which I hate in any aspect of things. We’re talking about the people that have never even seen me truly angry. Thank goodness for lazy Sunday afternoon vent sessions at HQ to renew my faith and uplift my spirits, with some of my favorite sisters and “sisters.”
“When all you’ve got to keep is strong, move along like I know you do. Even when your hope is gone, move along just to make it through.”
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